Adventures in Attitudes

Project 11: Personal Effectiveness Grid

The personal characteristics listed on this grid are certainly worth thinking about. For our skills are not the only factor in our success on the job or in life. A number of studies have shown that attitudes have a significant impact on how we use those skills. While a few of the items on the grid might appear to be "skills" (decision making, problem solving, speaking before others, etc.) the majority are more thought related - how we think about ourselves or others. The premise of Adventures in Attitudes is that we can change our lives by changing these thoughts and that even those characteristics that seem like skills, decision making, etc, have a thought component to them. 

As I look over the grid I completed quite a while ago, I am struck by the fact that there are a number of them that I rated low that are still having a negative impact on my life: Ambition, Understands People, Understands Self, Energy Level and Self Discipline. It is clear to me that I have not put any effort into changing my thoughts in these areas and, therefore, have not made any progress.

On the positive side there are a few I have been working on and have made progress: Adaptability/Flexibility, Friendliness, Influence, Self-Development Commitment. These are characteristics I have spent time thinking about and consciously working on so it is no surprise that I would rate myself higher today than I did a few years ago.

The Personal Effectiveness Grid is a great way to look into the mirror and see where your thoughts are taking you. It is probably a good idea to do this at least once a year. Looking back on this one from a few years ago I realize how much my thoughts impact those characteristics that are critical to success in life.

If you would like to use the grid to "look into the mirror", send me a note (rick@teamapproach.com) and I'll get one to you. The grid is also an outline of Adventures in Attitudes so if you have not experienced the program it will give you an idea of the content.

Project 10: Missing Pieces of Life's Puzzles

In the activity preceding this discussion we tried to put a simple puzzle together as a team and found a piece missing.  In some groups I have observed, the goal is to win and the missing piece is found without sharing.  In others, folks are walking around looking for the group that needs the piece they have.  Basic human nature, I suppose.

Of course, the point of the exercise was to illustrate the fact that we need others in our lives to be successful.  At The TEAM Approach we use the tag line - Connect and Succeed.  I firmly believe that. Now all I have to do is live it.  It is so easy to get caught up in meeting my own needs and trying to go it alone that I miss opportunities to connect with others and to find ways to accept and give the unique pieces of life we each have and need.

One of my challenges is giving up the idea that my way is best, or at least correct.  This keeps me from accepting help from others because they may not do things the way I would. I also find I am often too busy to give of my time and talent to extend a hand to others in my life. Over the years this has tended to cut me off from others and narrow my circle of friends.

In this project there are a few wonderful suggestions for improvement:

• Look for opportunities to make an admission or apology which would cause you to "lose face". Boy is that a hard one for me.
• Reveal a personal problem that would give others a feeling of relief or satisfaction but would cause you to lose status or pride such as feelings of inadequacy, guilt feelings, etc). Another hard one for most in our society, including me.
• Give an idea or information which others would use for personal identification and recognition. I am working on that one and I think I am doing better.
• Devote time toward others' gain instead of your own (charities, community activities, assisting a colleague, etc).  Another one I have been working on.

I'll add one of my own - let others know the specific piece of your puzzle that they hold and how much you appreciate it when they share it.  This happens every day and often goes by without recognition. Try using one of our online postcards as a start and see what happens.

The Missing Puzzle Piece

Moving into Unit 2, Attitude Awareness, which begins with a rather short, high energy activity.  Over the many years we have been conducting AiA, this activity has always been one of our favorites.  And, I will never forget the first time I had experienced it.  What a shock to learn the real objective of the "missing puzzle piece".  But more on that later.

The set up is simple.  Each table is given an envelope with the pieces to a simple children's puzzle.  The objective, we are told, is to put the puzzle together as fast as possible - a team effort.  The first team with a complete puzzle wins a great prize (usually a box of animal crackers).

 A little music helps create the mood.  About 3 minutes into the activity most of the groups have the puzzle completed - all but one piece.  Then it is discovered that the "missing piece" is in the possession of one of the other groups.  What would you do in this situation?

Unit One: Insights

At the end of each unit we take a few minutes to go back over the projects we experienced in the unit and reflect on what we have learned or what was our biggest "ah-ha". 

 

This single "insight" is recorded on a large Post-It note and placed on a sheet of flip chart paper (or just stuck to the wall) for the rest of the participants to read (without any names attached).  At the end of the program we review all of the insights and select a few from each unit to reflect on as a group - sort of a walk down memory lane.

Unit One is all about Communication.  I have pondered the messages of this unit for many years and looking at it again I still find that my number one insight is "listening is loving".  I so much want to show my love for others by using this skill but still find myself lacking in my performance of it day by day. I suspect this will be a life-long project and thank Bob Conklin and AiA for putting this message is such a succinct, but powerful, form.  Everything in this unit points to this one message for me and I carry it with me into all my relationships even though I am far from proficient in its use.

Today is a new day and I will work on this once again.

Vignette 2: Life is Thought

In an earlier post I discussed James Allen's booklet, As A Man Thinketh, and suggested it was the foundation for Adventures in Attitudes. In this vignette we get a condensed version of that booklet and another opportunity to ponder the significance of "thought".

Over 3500 years ago a Vedic Sanskrit quotation suggested - "As one's thinking is, such one becomes." That is a powerful piece of wisdom that has been echoed down through the ages in a variety of writings. 

And what about the way our thoughts create our perception of the world around us?  It was Shakespeare who pointed out- "there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" (Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2)

It is good to revisit these concepts on a regular basis and take stock of our thoughts.  In our facilitation of AiA we often give participants an application assignment in which they are to keep track of their thoughts for a short period of time - actually write down what they have been thinking. Most people tend to think negative thoughts.  They worry about things to come or events that have happened in the past. 

We have over 60,000 thoughts per day.  If many of them are negative, what impact is that having on our life? The good news is that it is impossible to think more than one thought at a time and, more importantly, we have been given the ability to choose that one thought. Viktor Frankl, in his classic book, Man's Search for Meaning, points out that our greatest freedom is our ability to choose our attitude in any given set of circumstances. You can substitute the term "thought" for "attitude" and there you have the real power of the mind and how it impacts your life on a daily basis.  

Sounds so simple.  Want a better life?  Change your thinking. Easier said than done but worthy of daily effort.

This Vignette ends with a page of quotes which encourage the reader to continue the effort and to know that this quest to manage our thoughts and pursue positive attitudes spans cultures and time itself. 

Audio Message 2: Communication

This audio message is one I should listen to on a regular basis.  I have heard the message many times over the years but still need to be reminded of it's essence and importance in my relationships.  As a beginning, Bob points out that communication is the formula for the way we relate.  I think of all of the times my relationships have hit rocky ground and that communication, rather that actions, is more times than not the cause of the problem.  And yet, after all these years, I still struggle with being effective in my communications with those I care about most.

Perhaps Bob's three "rules" cover most of the issues I have had:

1. Develop positive thoughts about the other person
2. Communicate to be understood
3. Don't try to impress others

Just taking a moment to focus on the positive aspects of the person before communicating could alleviate so many of the communication problems we all face.  I see that in so much of the electronic communication today.  There seems to be such a need for people to zero in on the negative thoughts they have about others and then attach it to communication.  It got so bad on our local newspaper's online discussion board that it was shut down this past week.  How sad!

Item #2 is a challenge no matter how positive you may be.  Bob points out that within the 500 most commonly used words in our vocabulary there are an estimated 14,000 different meanings.  Wish I knew where he got that statistic but I must say I have seen this happen a lot in my own life and it is something to watch out for.  Which brings me to item #3.

Don't try to impress others!  What good advice.  The audio message refers to a sales rep who said his company holds sales people responsible for what the prospect or customer understands, not what is said.  I guess if we keep this third rule in mind we might do better in this regard.  Bob suggests that we talk in terms of the other person's interests and emotions.  What good advice.  I must admit that much of my communication is centered on what I am interested in and what I am passionate about, not on that of the other person.

Then there is body language to pay attention to.  Bob says we are always communicating what we are thinking.  Susan recently interviewed the author of a great book on body language (Carol Kinsey Goman - The Non-Verbal Advantage) and I think I need to listen to that interview again and then spend some time with the book.  BTW, this interview and many others can be found on our Bookends Book Club and also downloaded from iTunes.

I'll end this post with one of Bob's best illustrations; this time on communication. Read the following statement aloud a number of times and each time place your emphasis (inflection) on a different one of the bold words and see how easy it is to change the meaning of a communication.  Maybe this is why we struggle so much with email today.

I did not say he stole the money.

Project 9: Your Attitude Towards Communication

I've been thinking a lot about communication over the past few weeks.  It seems to be the basis for all human relationships.  True, behaviors have a significant impact of the health of a relationship, but even then communication comes into play. If I behave poorly I will use communication to explain my actions or to apologize. If I behave magnificently, others often use communication to reinforce my behavior. And don't forget body language as communication. But more on that later.

In this project we summarize much of what we experienced in the previous projects and activities regarding listening and start moving into the other side of the equation - speaking.  Here again the key is desire - we have to want to be understood and need to be conscious of the limitations of communication. Our attitude toward speaking, just as it is toward listening, must include awareness of the other person.

Much goes on in an AiA discussion project like this one. As I look over my notes and think about my current situation I see that the issue of being understood continues to be a struggle for me. This project points out that the biggest barrier to effective communication is the assumption that the other person understands you. We saw the effects of one-way communication in the first round of the domino exercise and learned that two-way communication, especially checking in with the receiver, is critical.

I think about games like Pictionery and Password which show us how hard it is to communicate in a way that the other person really understands you.  Often my choice of words to communicate a concept or an event makes a lot of sense to me but is completely missed by the other person. So, I need to slow down a bit and consider the receiver more when communicating an important message.

The project ends with a question concerning communication in marriage. The suggestion is made that "the more words spoken the more successful the marriage". Over the years I have heard many groups discuss this and there has been no consensus.  I guess the point could be made that the number of words could work toward a more successful marriage if those words are meaningful and if the communication is truly two-way.  I watch people in restaurants and often see a couple going through a whole meal without saying a word.  I don't know the complete story, of course, but it always seems sad to me. I have also watched couples who say nothing but their eyes are fixed on each other and they are speaking volumes without saying a word.

The lack of communication in marriage may also indicate that the partners no longer have common interests or values or, perhaps, no longer find each other's lives interesting.  Many of my best moments in marriage are those times when we share a lively discussion around our children, world events, books and movies, or our work. So, for me, I guess more words can enhance a marriage. And, to those who have little communication in their marriage, I suggest they consider Bob Conklin's observation that there are no uninteresting speakers, just disinterested listeners.

Communication - the key to success in relationships and one of the hardest skills to develop. Speaking and listening both require an attitude of caring toward the other person. As Bob Conklin points out, "people don't care how much you know but they know how much you care, by the way you listen." I guess you could make that same point about speaking.

Dominos Communication Pt 2

After discussing strategies for completing the domino exercise more effectively, we tried it again with a different sender, different receiver and, of course, a different arrangement to replicate.  But this time we are given a new rule to the game - the receiver can ask questions and the sender can answer.  Still no eye contact but now there is two-way communication.  It feels more like a discussion over the telephone this time and, for most of our pairings, the results are dramatically better.

So, two-way communication is much better than one-way. No real surprise there but why is it still so hard in our daily lives? In the next project we will get into a deeper discussion on this but for now, as I relive the experience, I am confronted with the realization that two-way communication can still fail if we are not good listeners. Back to the Listen card I have on my desk and wondering what went wrong at the AT&T store yesterday.

Funny how the lessons of AiA are all around me everyday. I don't want to let the AT&T rep off the hook entirely, but I know that I should have asked a few more questions at the end of our discussion before signing the agreement. If he had really listened to me, and I had asked a few more questions for clarification, I would not be stuck with a contract on my son's phone that I specifically told him we did not want. 

Project 7: Discussing Communication

To process the domino exercise, senders, receivers and observers consider the feelings they had in each of their respective roles.  Of course, the big one for all was frustration.  As a sender in my group, I recall the feelings of being powerless and helpless.  I had a message I wanted to communicate (the arrangement of the dominos) and I was certain that my message was not getting through because there was no feedback.

I think about the times we conduct webinars or teleconferences with folks.  Even though we try to make them as interactive as possible, I know that most often we are involved in one-way communication and there is little feedback to let us know our message is being received and understood.

So this exercise allows time to come up with recommendations to reduce frustration and increase effectiveness of communication.  With the first round fresh in our minds we quickly came up with great ideas on how this could be done better - even with one-day communication.  The big idea was to get clarity on terminology upfront.  What does it mean to say "vertical" or "horizontal"?  What about using directions for placement such as "north", "south", "east" or "west". What about degrees around a compass rose? Surprising how many people view those terms differently.

Back in the real world this clarity on terminology is even more important.  I know I have often used terms that seem to have a different meaning for my listener and therefore skew the communication. Funny though, I can't think of what they were at the moment.  So, my task will be to pay attention when this happens and record the terms that cause confusion so I can be more aware and effective in the future.

When I was a pilot in the Air National Guard we spent much time on clarity of communication. Our lives depended on it.  You would never say, "there is a airplane approaching us over there".  You would say something like, "target at 3:00 o'clock low".  Amazing how specific terminology can enhance communication.  Why don't we take more time in our professional relationships to discuss terminology?

Dominos Communication

Module 2 of AiA begins with a fun activity in which one-way communication is used to guide the placement of a number of dominos into a specific pattern.  I have watched people involved in this activity over the past 25 years and constantly marvel at the level of engagement I see.  

Human beings want desperately to communicate with others - to be heard. This simple exercise helps us see the challenges within human communication and to get in touch with the feelings of frustration they cause.

I can no longer remember my first experience with this activity, since it was so very long ago, but the lessons it taught have stayed with me over all those years. Of course, it helps that I get to see others face the same frustrations from time to time as they experience this activity. I hope each of them will remember the lessons as well and think of them as they encounter real life domino communication.

As I think about it, it seems that we live in a world full of one-way communication; maybe more so than ever before. As I relive this little exercise in my imagination today, I think it will be interesting to look for examples throughout the coming week.